How to keep a Continuing Bond with a deceased loved one
Continuing Bonds: Staying Connected to Those We’ve Lost
Have you ever heard the term “continuing bond”?
I first came across it through a friend who had lost her pet. She attended a support group where, interestingly, the concept came up in discussion. It was actually introduced formally back in 1996, in a book by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman called Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief — and in recent years, it has sparked a real shift in the way many people think about loss.
The idea is simple but powerful: rather than being expected to “just get over it” and move on, we are free to stay connected to the people we’ve lost. For too long, society has pressured us to bury our emotions right alongside our loved ones. But if you’ve experienced loss, you already know that simply isn’t how grief works.
As I write in my book, Loss, Grief and Beyond: The 7th Stage of Grief:
“Grief never really goes away — instead, you learn to integrate the pain into your life.”
That truth, I believe, is at the heart of everything we know about healing.
I Didn’t Need to Read a Book to Understand It
After my former husband Steve died by suicide in 2005, I naturally began finding ways to stay connected to him. No one taught me to do it — rather, it was something my heart needed, and it gradually became central to my healing.
Steve was an avid guitarist and a lifelong Beatles fan. At first, hearing their music was too painful. Over time, however, those songs became a bridge back to him. I’d listen and feel him near. In addition, I also talked about him — to friends, to new acquaintances who never knew him — because sharing his story kept him alive in a meaningful way.
I was also lucky to find a friend through my suicide support group who had lost her husband in a similar way. As a result, we could speak openly about our experiences, and those conversations lifted us both. There’s something especially healing, after all, about finding someone who truly gets it — another parent who lost a child, another spouse who lost a partner. That shared understanding creates a safe space where grief can breathe.
Of course, this isn’t for everyone. Ultimately, we each carry our loss in our own way, and I deeply respect that.
Ways You Can Nurture a Continuing Bond
If you’re open to the idea, the following suggestions may help you stay connected:
- Write letters to them. For example, for about six months after Steve died, I wrote to him in my journal regularly.
- Talk to them. Similarly, I often spoke to Steve as though he were right there with me, especially when I needed guidance.
- Share their story. In addition, introduce them to new people in your life and let others learn who they were and why they mattered.
- Live in a way they’d be proud of. For instance, when I did something I knew Steve would have celebrated, I’d tell him — and it truly helped.
- Keep something meaningful. Furthermore, one or two objects that carry special significance can offer quiet, steady comfort.
- Do things they loved. Finally, engaging with their interests is a beautiful way to feel close to them.
These are just a starting point, and you may discover your own rituals that feel right. Moreover, if you’d like to explore the concept of continuing bonds more deeply, I invite you to check out my book Loss, Grief and Beyond: The 7th Stage of Grief, where I explore how to carry your loved one forward with you — not as a weight, but as a presence that enriches your life.
In the end, what matters most is that you find your way back to living fully — and I have no doubt your loved one would want exactly that for you.
With love and light, Robin Chodak
Want to Go Deeper?
If this resonated with you, there are several ways I can support you on your journey:
For Those Who Are Grieving I have a few openings for new coaching clients. If you’re ready to explore your grief in a supportive, guided way, I’d love to help — fill out this form and I’ll send you a scheduling link.
For Those Who Want to Help Others Have you walked through your own grief journey and feel called to support others? I offer an online certification program for those who want to become trained, certified grief coaches. If you’re ready to turn your experience into a meaningful way to serve others, learn more and get started here.
Online Courses on Udemy
- Grief ~ A New Way of Thinking
- Be Gentle with Me, I’m Grieving
- Change Your Brain, Live an Excellent Life
Books on Amazon
- Loss, Grief and Beyond: The 7th Stage of Grief ⭐ (New!)
- Ten Grief Lessons from Golf
- 3 Must-Have Connections for Inner Peace
- Be Gentle with Me, I’m Grieving
- Moving to Excellence: A Pathway to Transformation after Grief
Robin is a Certified Grief, Life, Spiritual Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, Reiki practitioner, and Mindfulness Meditation Teacher
